Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Mom Issues

My Mother HATES her Mother.

Over the past months (since she's been flying up to see her parents more and more often) I've come to realize that she truly dislikes and probably HATES her Mother. It makes me so sad. As much as my Mother hurts me now, and as much as she has hurt me in the past I could never hate her. I love her so much I would do anything for her. I'm there for her no matter what. All I want is for her to love me for who I am...and not to dislike me for who I will never be.

My Mother used to compare me to her Mother a lot and still does at times. I don't think she realizes the comparison she is making, at least I hope she doesn't. She HATES her Mother, yet tells me how her Mother and I are alike. Does she HATE me? I've struggled with that fear my entire life.

Not a good/fun/happy thing for me to deal with yet it has shaped the Mother that I am, the Mother that I will be and the Mother that I want to be. I tell my girls I LOVE them over and over every day. I don't put them down or criticize them. ( I know they are both under 2 right now and this may get more difficult as the years go on. I am Thankful for my Mother.

I am:

a caring person with a BIG heart
comfortable in my own skin (most of the time)
a good Wife
an AWESOME Mother
a true friend
a person who stands up for the unjust and for those who cannot stand for themselves
happy to do what I want to do and happy to let you do what you want to do (as long as it isn't evil)

I will never be:

someone who obsesses over calories ( I may be a bit plump, but at least I'm happy :)
someone who obsesses over clothes, shoes, or make up...or how I look in general
honestly I RARELY wear make up and most of the time do my hair (i.e. pull
it back into a pony tail) in the car on the way to wherever I'm going.
someone who likes extravagant things--cars, clothing, food, jewelry, vacations (well Ok, I'd like an extravagant FAMILY vacation to Hawaii or some tropical location like that ;)

Am I so bad? I wish my Mom would accept me for who I am, and accept her Mother for who she is. My Grandmother's time on earth is getting short and it hurts me to think that my Mother will not be sad when she leaves. She will be upset about the impact it will have on my Grandfather's life and will most likely blame my Grandmother for dying... I can hear it now, "Well she shouldn't have gone up/down those stairs, she made the choice and now she has to deal with the consequences." I wish I could write LOL after that, like I was joking, but unfortunately I can really see that happening.

Deep Breath.


  1. I am so sad that your mom has made you feel this way, and I am just sure that it was never her intention. Moms have that way about them, making you check yourself over and over again and when you are an adult and still doing that, it can make you feel like you aren't living up to their expectations. But 2 Sundays ago, I saw your mom AND dad beaming with pride and adoration at you, D, and the girls. Your mom does love you for who you are, even if her view is clouded on occasion by other worldly things.

    I think it is refreshing to see a beautiful woman who is comfortable in her skin the way that you seem to be. You always look pretty and elegant and it's not because you spent $200 on your outfit and shoes...it's because you KNOW that you are beautiful! You are setting a wonderful example for your girls!

  2. Awe you are so sweet April! Of course today I'm having what I call a "fugly" (fat & ugly feeling) day. LOL, I lost the baby weight a lot faster with G, and stalled with 10lbs to go when K was 7 weeks old. Need to start doing some active, lol and maybe stop eating chocolate, icecream & chips every day...that might actually help, lol!

  3. careful...where I come from "fugly" is the combination of ugly and a very different f word ;-) you look good to have an infant, don't sweat it!

  4. Isn't it interesting that the things you listed that seem to be your mom's complaints are all very surface and selfish. Outer beauty and earthly goods won't last, no matter what! I think you have your priorities in order!