Enough

Last week (10/28) hubby and I celebrated 3 years of marriage. He took off the day before and the day of our anniversary and we had 2 of the best days ever. We had planned to go somewhere as a family and because of money concerns didn't go out of our town, but he got to come to story hour with us, and we went to a park, where a really loooong train went by while DD1 was watching and the conductor waved at her and blew the horn for her. She loved it. Seriously they were the best 2 days ever. That night I lay in bed so thankful for all that I had and so happy...but I was also waiting, I felt like we'd had soo many good times lately that the shoe had to drop...

Wow, I don't know if it was intuition or what but I've had a rough week. ***I just want to say that I'm healthy, my husband is healthy and the girls are healthy which would mean a great and awesome week for soo many people and that I'm so thankful for that. Seriously I am the only one who sits and reads the heartbreaking blogs of Moms who have lost pregnancies, babies and children and just crys and then goes to hold my little ones?*** A big shout out to one of my online friends who lost her 2nd pregnancy this week--my week doesn't even compare to that. (((HUGS)) & prayers to her.

I'm just having a week of so many silly little things going wrong. Hubby and I are having an "off" week as well. Are we the only ones who go through these times? Before we ever got married we talked about weeks, months and even years like this and decided that we were in in for the long haul. We both knew weeks like this would come up, but they still suck. There isn't even anything in particular going on, no big fights. Just little things. It seems as if the weeks that I need more and become more needy of him he shuts down and doesn't know how to be there and it turns into a cycle.

Would love to write more now, but DD2 is crying and DD1 must be fed.

Oh and I didn't give my mom the letter. After listening to some people close to me I just decided it wasn't worth it. My mom has been like this my entire life and isn't going to change. I am really going to have to work on changing my reactions to her. That is all I can control. Easy to say right now, lol!

Letter to my Mother

I'm trying to decide if I should give this to her before she goes on her silent retreat this weekend. It's important to realize that nothing but a fight will probably come of this letter. She will try to scream at me, I will walk away, she will ignore me for several days then call me time after time and pretend like nothing happened. I've been down the same exact road more than once with her. It hurts me more and more to know that she talks about me and puts me down to the Queen B. Having my own daughters now I really don't get it. I couldn't ever do that to them. With the holidays coming up I want things to be enjoyable for the entire family. I'm beginning to think that means that Hubby and I will arrange to see my family when my lil bro and the Queen B aren't there.


Dear Mom,

I write this with a sad and heavy heart. I have hesitated to bring this up with you for the past year because I am scared of the outcome. First I want you to know how much I love you. I would do anything for you and try to always be there for you. Queen B and I are not friends and have a mutual dislike for one another. It is not me, my actions or in actions, it is a mutual feeling. We are not alike in anyway. I have tried and tried and tried again to be sweet, nice & polite to Queen B. These favors have never been returned by her.

What hurts me is that you consistently make comments to me on the sly, like you have seen & complained about your own Mother doing, about how I am to blame for the faulty or negative relationship. You have put me down to Queen B, by talking with her about me. I don't know if you do this to make Queen B feel comfortable, to get her to like you more or what reason you have. It just feels wrong to me. As a Mother of 2 daughters I cannot imagine the day that I would not stand up for them first and foremost. That is what hurts me the most. I love you so much and feel hurt and wonder what I have done to make you feel that I am always in the wrong. It seems you are blind to the things Queen B does or does not do to me and more importantly to my daughters.

While on our trip to Panama City Beach, Queen B did not acknowledge or speak to myself or Dh (unless asked a direct question) or even to G. And in fact on the last day there G was in her way, and told Dh to "Please move her"You have also put down Best Friend to Queen B. Why and how is that ok? When we have family events you stick to Queen B like glue & often whisper to her and make eyes at her if I say something that Queen B a doesn't agree with. Why, how? I am your flesh & blood. I may not always do or say the right thing with Queen B, but the things I do are not recognized by you. It is funny to me how can talk about Your Mother, My Father, Brother & I like we are nothing, yet can never find anything negative to say about Queen B.

You help Dh and I survive and for that we are eternally grateful. You love my daughters and are wonderful with & to them. Why is it that I am always to be blamed when it comes to Queen B's & my relationship? Why is it that she does no wrong in your eyes? I love you so much & am so grateful for the person you are, for all that you do to enable me to be a stay at home mom & for the wonderful Grammy you are to G & K. This is one small issue that hurts me. I really hope this doesn't cause a huge or small fight between us. I want to be able to resolve it & go on and not have a huge blowout.

Sad kind of day

I'm having a sad kind of day. I really miss my brother. We got into a little facebook chat argument 2 weeks ago and he hasn't talked to me since. Really our relationship hasn't been the same since the Queen B came into his life, but that's another story. Anyway 2 weeks ago--the Monday after K's baptism I put some pictures up on fb. Of dh's and my wedding. I tagged everyone in them and then it came to the Queen B's pictures. I knew no matter what I did it would be wrong. If I didn't tag her it would be me being bitchy, yet if I tagged her she wouldn't like it. I tagged her and not 10 minutes later I get an email from my brother telling me she didn't like those pictures of herself and wanted me to remove the tag so no one would see them. (1 of these was actually a picture of me and her from my wedding that I put up trying to be nice)


Anyway my feelings were hurt, Queen B didn't care, of course, and in the end I typed to him in all caps, ITS A GD TWO WAY STREET. Somehow in our family it is ok for the Queen B to be, well, a Queen B, and everyone else is supposed to just accept it.


I've been really emotional the past few days anyway. I'm wondering if I'm about to start my cycle again. I've had cramping the past few days and some other symptoms (GOBS of EWCM).

There have also been major Mom issues and Mom dealing with her Mom issues today. Will have to go into those later...

Is this for real???

This makes me sick!

Interracial couple denied marriage license
La. justice of the peace cites concerns about any children couple might have

I don't have the time or the energy to go into it any further right now. Don't even know if I should bother. All I can say is that it really makes me sick. Who is this person to decide something like that.

Wordless Wednesdsay: Pro Life Sunday

Dear Daughter #1's

LIFE

From the

VERY

beginning:

6 Weeks after conception:

7 Weeks after Conception:

11 Weeks after Conception:

12 Weeks After Conception:

22 Weeks After Conception

28 Weeks After Conception:

Mom Issues

My Mother HATES her Mother.

Over the past months (since she's been flying up to see her parents more and more often) I've come to realize that she truly dislikes and probably HATES her Mother. It makes me so sad. As much as my Mother hurts me now, and as much as she has hurt me in the past I could never hate her. I love her so much I would do anything for her. I'm there for her no matter what. All I want is for her to love me for who I am...and not to dislike me for who I will never be.

My Mother used to compare me to her Mother a lot and still does at times. I don't think she realizes the comparison she is making, at least I hope she doesn't. She HATES her Mother, yet tells me how her Mother and I are alike. Does she HATE me? I've struggled with that fear my entire life.

Not a good/fun/happy thing for me to deal with yet it has shaped the Mother that I am, the Mother that I will be and the Mother that I want to be. I tell my girls I LOVE them over and over every day. I don't put them down or criticize them. ( I know they are both under 2 right now and this may get more difficult as the years go on. I am Thankful for my Mother.

I am:

a caring person with a BIG heart
comfortable in my own skin (most of the time)
a good Wife
an AWESOME Mother
a true friend
a person who stands up for the unjust and for those who cannot stand for themselves
happy to do what I want to do and happy to let you do what you want to do (as long as it isn't evil)

I will never be:

someone who obsesses over calories ( I may be a bit plump, but at least I'm happy :)
someone who obsesses over clothes, shoes, or make up...or how I look in general
honestly I RARELY wear make up and most of the time do my hair (i.e. pull
it back into a pony tail) in the car on the way to wherever I'm going.
someone who likes extravagant things--cars, clothing, food, jewelry, vacations (well Ok, I'd like an extravagant FAMILY vacation to Hawaii or some tropical location like that ;)

Am I so bad? I wish my Mom would accept me for who I am, and accept her Mother for who she is. My Grandmother's time on earth is getting short and it hurts me to think that my Mother will not be sad when she leaves. She will be upset about the impact it will have on my Grandfather's life and will most likely blame my Grandmother for dying... I can hear it now, "Well she shouldn't have gone up/down those stairs, she made the choice and now she has to deal with the consequences." I wish I could write LOL after that, like I was joking, but unfortunately I can really see that happening.

Deep Breath.

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Some Not Me Moments I didn't want to share on my other blog ;)

I NEVER nurse my oldest daughter (18 months) in front of people just to bug them. Like the Queen B, who likes to remind me, that "they get all the benefits of nursing by 6 weeks, then you can stop", and who thinks nursing past 1 is just plain gross... I would NEVER nurse Dear Daughter #1 (DD1) while out to dinner with the family just to watch the Queen B turn up her nose, squirm with embarrassment and make faces.

I would never stay up late working on my blogs, reading other people's blogs, and enjoying some alone time, and then turn on Playhouse Disney in the morning and let DD1 & DD2 take turns on my "good" (only my Right boob works, and I nurse both girls on it, DD1 calls the left one "yuck"--I had a lump taken out of it when DD1 was 2 months and it hasn't worked since) boob, while I snooze. Nope, not me.

I would NEVER watch DD1 give our furbaby an ice cube or 2, let him chew it up for her and then watch as she picks up the pieces that fall out of his mouth and eats them herself. That would be gross, right?

I never put DD2 to sleep in her bassinet, turn on her Angel Monitor, kiss my Dear Husband (DH), and then go into sleep with DD1.

and

the biggest thing I most DEFINETLY did NOT do was...

borrow a HPT (home pregnancy test) from a friend and POAS just to make sure I wasn't preggo!

No way.

Not me.

(by the way the HPT was a BFN (Big Fat Negative), which was a good thing right now.)

Though it would have been a blessing I don't think my body is quite ready for another pregnancy. My heart among other body parts, doesn't react well to pregnancy and I'd like to have more than 11 months between my 2nd & 3rd children!

Some Random Rants

My youngest was Baptised this past Sunday. It was a wonderful event. I will post the details of it on my other blog. Hubby and I were determined not to let family drama get in the way of our darling daughter's day. We did a pretty good job.

Hubby's oldest brother showed. We really didn't want him to come. How do I put it nicely...he's a jerk. He's one of those people who does things for show and wants all the attention on him. He's also racist...against white people and apparently mixed people, ie, MY CHILDREN. The day our first daughter was born the first questions he asked hubby was "What did you put her down as on her birth certificate?" Yeah, I'm not going to say anything else about that. It makes me too angry and upset. He drove up here, parked at gas station and waited for Hubby to pick him up so he could follow hubby to the church. Um, Dude, you've been to the church before and you're a grown a#% man. Then at the reception people noticed they were gone...one of the kids says they left. Without saying goodbye to anyone, not even his parents....We figure he wasn't getting enough attention. Oh well...no one really cared that he left, I mean we didn't want him there to begin with so it was cool with us. He was invited to our firstborns baptism and didn't show up at all AFTER he said he was coming over and over again. Didn't call, and never mentioned it. We're pretty sure the only reason he came to this one is to "prove" to his family that he isn't racist. Apparently they've been arguing about it for awhile now.

The Queen B & my lil bro also came down. She's about 3 months preggo now, but trying to hide her belly and not to gain any weight. Have I mentioned she's obsessed with weight. Any conversation with her will involve food/weight loss/how fat she is. Pair her with my mom who strives to impress her to know end. So when my mom is around the Queen B she separates herself from me--the Queen B doesn't like me so if mom is nice to me she might offend the Queen B--weird logic to me, but her logic--apparently mom has always tried to impress and befriend the "mean girls") When I was 3 months preggo and had a little tiny baby bump--that I was trying to show off--mom made it a point to call me huge--till the very end of my pregnancy in fact--when instead of calling me huge her favorite thing to say was, "If you fell over on a hill you'd just roll right down it" Nice mom, thanks. Way to boost my confidence in myself. Any way mom & the Queen B sat together and talked about how the B wasn't showing at all and how the B wanted her bump to stay tiny and invisible as long as possible. The Queen B & I are like oil and vinegar. We don't mix. I try to be nice to her at all times. She doesn't try. Since they found out they were expecting I've offered baby books, (turned down by the Queen B--as she looked down her nose at them), offered baby stuff--also turned down, and rather rudely by the Queen B) Anyway she was at our house after the Baptism and didn't speak to me, David, or the girls at all. Just sat with my mother and talked about how she hoped to stay tiny, the expensive stroller my mom bought her and the nursery chair she hopes my mother will buy her.

Now, my mother has bought us a lot for the girls. To me there are some differences though--

1. I'm her natural born daughter...i think this entitles me to a little bit more than the Queen B--just my birth right
2. We make A LOT less money than my bro (who is currently unemployed) and his wife...and when I say a lot less, I mean A LOT less. Granted we do this by choice, but that goes to number 3
3. We made the decision to be broke/poor, etc... before having the girls...it was important to us that I stay at home and raise them. The Queen B & my bro are sending the babe to daycare @ 6 weeks old so they can have enough money to maintain their "lifestyle" (expensive vacations, clothes, cars, etc...)
4. We never asked for or expected "The Best of the Best" and took whatever was offered to or given to us as hand me downs. The Queen B will not accept hand me downs or anything less than the best of the best to her...(by this she means the most expensive) (The stroller mom bought the Queen B is a Bugaboo)
5. See # 1.

Must go nap now...I've been extremely tired the past few days. Hope I'm not sick...or anything else...you can't get preggo while you're nursing 2, right? Just kidding...I think...I mean we've only "done it" 1x since #2 was born...and I'm nursing like a million times a day...not possible, right? Assure me please...I really don't want to go waste money to POAS (Pee on a stick)

Broke

I really hate being broke. I just finished paying bills and it sucked. Had to transfer $500 from our savings to our checking to cover everything and now we only have $350 left in savings. That's really not good. What if there is an emergency? Crap. We have to stop eating out and buying junk food and snacks at gas stations. I really think that is where a lot of our money goes. I think I'm going to add up the amount of money we spend eating out a month and see how much it is
.
.
.
.
.
$411.47
.
.
.
.
.
in a 30 day period.

Wow. We could have saved $400 by not eating out. That is incrediable.

Right now after paying all our bills we have $70 in the bank--and that is AFTER taking the $500 from savings. I wonder if we can make $70 last for the next 18 days. I don't think so. Maybe we'll get some money from an unknown source to cover us. I sure hope so. It doesn't make much sense to run up the credit cards because that is just spending what we don't have.

Must take it a day at a time and not look any farther than that. Each day we don't spend any money is one more day closer to next pay period...

We will be ok.

Just a blog

This is meant to be a blog for me to vent my frustrations. I'm a married, stay at home Mom to 2 wonderful children. I love my life, but have several things that cause me stress on a regular basis. These include:

1. My Mother
2. My Sister In Law, aka, The Queen B
3. Money

Only 3 things, which is pretty good as stresses go I suppose.